 |
|
Sunday 20th December 2009
Batteries Not Included
One of the reasons I’m so embarrassed by this story is that, for weeks now, I’ve been complaining about how greedy my kids are when it comes to Christmas presents. Ludo has never asked for anything as modest as a light bulb before. On the contrary, he has presented me with endless lists, some stretching to several sides of A4, nearly all of which contain items like “S Box” and “Wee” accompanied by detailed drawings in case he’s spelt them incorrectly. He spent the best part of an afternoon drawing a picture of a “Roket” and then painstakingly explained that it wasn’t supposed to be actual size. He wanted a real rocket, one that could take him to the moon. The sheer ambition of Ludo’s requests is quite endearing. Clearly, he is still an innocent when it comes to money. Not so my six-year-old daughter. Sasha knows that if she asks for anything costing more than £25 she’s unlikely to get it. Where she goes wrong is in asking for more or less everything in this price bracket. She is so suggestible that she only has to see an advertisement for, say, Hot Wheels Shark Bite Bay (£24.99), and she wants it. And I mean, really, really wants it, as in runs down to my garden office and tells me she must have it. I often thank God that we’re not yet in the era when you can purchase something advertised on television with one click of a button on the remote control. If we were, the ground floor of our house would look like the mail order warehouse for Toys-R-Us. Some parents don’t allow their children to watch commercial television for precisely this reason, but I’m not sure whether that would make much difference. Sasha would only get to hear about the same “must-have” toys in the playground. When she was four, she came home from school one day and announced she wanted a Nintendo DS for Christmas. My wife asked if she knew what it was since she hadn’t shown any interest in video games before. “Of course I do,” she said. “It’s this really cool machine for making sweets.” We managed to fob her off with a Pez Machine that year. I’m a typically annoying dad in that I agree beforehand that my wife will be in charge of buying the children’s presents and, after she’s wrapped them up and attached labels saying they’re from both of us, I then go out and buy them additional gifts which I hand over on Christmas Day explaining that they’re “special presents from Dad”. This year, I’ve got Ludo a “Lollipop Factory” (£19.99) which has gone down like a cup of cold sick with Caroline. “There’s nothing I hate more in the world than lollipops,” she says. The depressing thing about buying your children toys is how little pleasure they get from them. On Christmas Day, they tear off the wrapping paper, glance at the present with barely-concealed disappointment, then immediately move on to the next one. When they finally get round to playing with them, that involves opening the boxes, emptying their contents on to the carpet, and then mixing up all the little bits into a potpourri of multi-coloured plastic. After they’ve gone to bed, I spend several hours on my hands and knees sifting through this pile, trying to put the right bits into the right boxes. As a general rule, you lose about 10 per cent of the detachable parts every time a toy is “played” with. The worst offender in this respect is Playmobil. Last year, one of Ludo’s godparents bought him the Playmobil Large Pirate Ship (£77.24), a build-it-yourself scale model that consists of over 100 separate parts. Within minutes of Ludo opening it, some of these parts had fallen through the floorboards, others had been kicked under the fridge, while still others were in our one-year-old’s tummy. By the time we’d finished building it, even a bunch of Somali bandits would have turned up their noses at this “pirate ship”. It looked as if it had been stripped bare by Hurricane Katrina. To date, the most successful present I’ve ever bought is a Thomas the Tank Engine train set. While Magnetix and Moon Sand are still sitting in their boxes, having been played with once and forgotten, the train set is constantly being broken up and reassembled. Ludo has now lost interest in it, but two-year-old Freddie has been gripped by Thomas mania and, in time, I daresay one-year-old Charlie will be, too. My only caveat is to advise against buying battery-operated engines. All three of my sons love nothing more than switching them on, leaving them on their side so the wheels spin round endlessly, and then abandoning them. My three least favourite words at Christmastime are “Batteries Not Included”. I’m sure if I actually sat down and calculated what my greatest expense was in 2009 the answer would be batteries. If I had half a brain I’d give up journalism entirely in 2010 and start selling the damn things door-to-door. Earlier this year, we rented a cottage from a retired couple living very comfortably in Cornwall. As they were off to the local yacht club one day, pulling a sailboat behind a 4 x 4, I asked them how they’d made their money. “Batteries,” was the reply.
Comments page 1 of 1 - 10 post(s) Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by Shibley Rahman on 21-12-2009 10:48: Children should be credited for being so perceptive, I think. I'm on Ludo's side, I'm afraid. Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by murad james on 21-12-2009 11:04: What galls me is the blatantly fabricated advertisements for children's toys...cars that fly and animated sharks turn out to be inanimate plastic and kids cannot complain to the ASA. Ps is Santa going to be carrying incandescent "lite bulbs" if so I don't fancy his chances with the north Finnish EU border guards... Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by LARRY on 21-12-2009 13:26: Yes, that's my question - have you replaced poor Ludo's bulb? Actually, I wanted to share a comment from a young great-grandchild after his family had received the nice box of Florida oranges from Gram & Gramps who live there. "Gramps, did you fill the box at the supermarket?". Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by Toby Young on 21-12-2009 14:04: I have replaced Ludo's light bulb. Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by James M. Lynch on 22-12-2009 20:27: Toby, Thank goodness I converted to Judaism before starting to raise a family. My kids get one present each from granparents, parents, aunt and uncle and consider themselves lucky. They ask about Christmas as it looks like Christians get the better deal -- but we've managed to fool them so far. We even get them to donate one gift per birthday -- admittedly the one they like the least -- but it's good training. I didn't know about the film with Pegg so I'll check it out now. Happy Holidays, please visit me on The Huffington Post to exchange ideas, Sincerely, James M. Lynch Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by Mousquetaire on 27-12-2009 21:57: Whether or not you become a salesman, perhaps Caroline could become a columnist? She's got a nice style, and in terms of material, you're the gift that keeps on giving... Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by Clare on 28-12-2009 14:31: So I am not alone in having a father to my children that buys additional Christmas presents after we have agreed and wrapped the allocation. Why is it always some nasty plastic gadgets/toys? Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by Newmania on 02-01-2010 21:02: A thrilling work of comic genius , how did you come up with the idea ? Matthew H. Fleeger - Meteorologist Matt H. Fleeger to Spend 7 Hundred Thousand Pounds to Support South American Blind School Posted by Orareviecerah on 24-01-2011 09:58: <a href=http://www.fleegermatt.info><img>http://www.mattfleeger.net/images/img02.jpg</img></a> The world all-around us will need your assistance in aiding a teenagers properties. Chile & Haiti earthquake subjects absolutely need lightening fast guidance. The Matthew H. Fleeger & Red Cross appeal to get environment help. <b>Help by using Google...</b> http://www.google.com/relief/chileearthquake/ <b>Considerably more details</b> http://www.amnesty.org Re: Batteries Not Included Posted by abendgost on 14-11-2011 01:34: Authentic <a href="http://www.firshoes.com/">Cheap UGGs</a>, <a href="http://www.firshoes.com/">UGG</a> shop provide you original uggs. |
|
© 2004 - 2012 Toby Young